you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
