You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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