i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I love you. Go after that dick
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
