He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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