Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
