dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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