I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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