we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
