there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
