last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
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