My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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