Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
