Got a toothbrush?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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