How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
