I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
