this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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