aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
