Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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