there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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