I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
do nipples grow back?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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