Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
