If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
