I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
