it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
