best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
