a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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