yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
