She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Randomize