You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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