I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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