I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sorry my hands just texted you
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
