so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
