bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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