Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
