she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I enjoy the company of your penis
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
