I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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