Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
