I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Randomize
