WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
