I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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