Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
