I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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