Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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