She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
