i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
