I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
