shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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