last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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