I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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