What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
