I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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