I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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