y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize